My Family
by Astro Purple
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond. Upped the rating to PG cause of Ben's POV. RR Pleaze!
1. Zack

My Family  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
G  
  
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.  
  
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond.  
  
Author's Note: Each 'chapter' will explore one X5's feelings and thoughts. They don't have to be read in any order since it's not continuous.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
My family. I was the first born in Manticore and naturally their CO. I gave the order for the escape after seeing Jack and then Eva be taken away. Why? I'm not even sure myself. It had something to do with Max. She was starting to get sick, just like Jack, before he was taken. I couldn't let that happen. But I know now, that even if Max hadn't begun to develop seizures, I still would have given the order for escape. I cared and loved my family, even back then when we didn't know what caring or love was.  
  
We were designed to be perfect, but our creators weren't. They messed up with the X1s, the X2s, the X3s, and even the X4s had been starting to go off, one by one. I didn't want that to happen to my family. I had overheard them talking, the people in the white coats, saying how even in the world outside people go crazy also, it's normal, but not at the speed it happens here, in Manticore. I think I had come to the conclusion that Manticore wasn't healthy, and it wasn't. But I don't know how I came to that conclusion. I had only been on one solo mission, and I hadn't seen that much of the outside, but I guess I knew. I had figured that the only way to save my family was to get them outside, where they could be healthy in a healthy environment.  
  
When I made it to the outside, and I watched the sun rise on that rooftop, I knew everything would be all right. We were in a good and healthy world. Then the Pulse hit. Everything changed overnight, I saw everything as it happened.  
  
Electricity and running water going out, the drains and sewage systems clogging up with muck. With electricity down, gangs and thieves moved freely to steal, knowing there would be no way for the police to know. The traffic lights were down, causing accidents and arguments on the roads. The rich could have sudden become the poor, and the poor suddenly the rich. It was all chaos, and I couldn't understand any of it. What had happened to the world I brought my family into? The good world where real families took us in to care for us, and we had plenty of food, clothes, and freedom. It had all changed. Everything was taken away, and just because the norms running everything couldn't stop a bunch of norm soldiers from planting an e-bomb. Oh well, what did you expect? They were norms.  
  
After the Pulse, I began. What the world had become, I couldn't allow my family to live alone like that. I wanted to find them all and move them to a safe location where we could be together as a family again. But after I ventured out into the disgusting world, I'd learned how Lydecker could now conduct his search for us rather openly. Bribe local governments, set up new operations in old warehouses or factories or even military bases and not raise suspicion. I began to slowly realize that all of us together would not work. We'd draw too much attention. As much as I wanted us to all be together and live in a nicer place than where we were most of the time, I didn't want to risk their freedom. We all loved it too much. So I began to set up a system where I could keep track of each of them as I found them. I gave them a contact number, checked around the area they were living in, and let them settle. When trouble came, I would be there as their big brother, as their CO to help them move to another secure location.  
  
My system worked, until I found Max. Even when she was a kid, she was headstrong and hated to be ordered around. I wasn't surprised when she declined, but I was when she chose to stay in Seattle. Lydecker already knew she was here. Staying here risked her life, I couldn't let her, but I didn't have the heart to force her away from the place she loved most. So I left her, even though I said I wouldn't ever see her again and that it was her loss, I found myself showing up in Seattle on a regular basis after that. Every two weeks, every three weeks, just to check up on her, and make sure she was safe. Deep down, to me I think she represented the spirit I didn't have.  
  
When Krit and Syl 'accidentally' bumped into each other, I couldn't keep them apart. But they were always on the move, riding their cycles and cris- crossing the US for the fun of being together, so that was okay. They were always on the move, no way Lydecker could catch up to them. They were the explorers that I couldn't be.  
  
Zane. What can I say about my favorite little brother? He'll never know that of course, but he is my favorite. I think, somewhere in our genetics we may be related. We both have the same baby blue eyes and the same blond hair. He's almost like a miniaturized version of me. I remember how he use to follow me around in Manticore, with those big blue eyes of his. Hoping there could be some way he could help me. We look a like physically, and many a times I've had to use that trait and pretend to be his big brother and get him out of jail for fighting, or out a jam with some street thugs, but that's where all the similarities end. We're different inside, as peanut butter is to jelly. I'm serious, and he's the jokester. I hope Zane can feel safe with me around, because when I look at him, I see what I could have been if I had that attitude about responsibility and safety.  
  
Brin's discovery shocked me. Unlike the others I found, she hadn't forgotten Manticore since leaving. For the few nights I watched her, trying to validate her identity, she tossed and turned in her sleep. Sometimes waking up crying or screaming in a voice that would never be heard. Out of all the others, I stayed with Brin the longest, not out of want, but out of necessity. Manticore had traumatized her, making her jumpy and scared, I couldn't find any residue of the old soldier in her. I think being near me and knowing that I would never leave her helped her adjust. I worried about her for a while before she began growing and showing me she can handle herself. All she needed in her life was someone strong, and when Manticore returned to her life, she gratefully adjusted to something even stronger than I was. For that, I blame myself for allowing us all to be separated and not spending time to teach Brin, my little sister, about independence.  
  
Jondy, even wilder than Max and more radical. Her physical appearance changes each time I stop by to see her. Her hair must have been over a hundred different colors at one time. I've seen her with orange, green, red, blue, black, purple, and silver hair. Along with countless other colors I can't place a name or a tag to. Jondy has pierced herself in different places, most somewhere on the face, she calls them pretty and accessories, but I don't see how someone could torture themselves in such a way. I wonder what Max would think of Jondy if they ever met, Jondy reminds me of the Steelheads in Seattle, except not in the self-improvement area because she is improved, thanks to Manticore, she is perfect.  
  
Tinga had what I'll never be able to have. A real family. A family with a mother, a father, and a kid. Out of all of us, Tinga was the only one who settled down to a normal life, fell in love, and got married. She managed to put all the horrors of Manticore behind her, and forget that out there, there are people who want to take her away from the good life she has. I'm proud of her for taking a risk just to be happy and normal.  
  
So far, I'm happy with all my siblings and their lives. They've all striven to get away from Manticore, as faraway as possible. But Ben, he didn't take Manticore's disappearance from his life positively. Unlike Brin who was scared of being taken back, he wanted to be back, but he didn't. It doesn't make sense, even in my own mind, but I'm trying. He wanted a life with order, not with the insanity and chaos outside. I remember first laying my eyes on him. He was walking down the street with a strict military stride and carrying an air of authority and command. Almost as if he expected Lydecker to pop up somewhere and reprimand him. I spoke with him, only once. And it's not an experience I want to repeat. I don't regret getting him out of Manticore, I only regret that he couldn't live without Manticore. I regret not being there to guide my little brother back from his strayed path, and I regret that in the end, Max was the one who had to kill him. Ben would have made a great CO, but the only thing holding him back was his dependence on Manticore.  
  
I love my family. However they are or whatever they turn into, I love them. For every defect the Manticore doctors find in them, I can find something a perfection that pushes me to love them more. I won't let any of them get taken by Manticore against their will, and I'm sorry that they have to live with me pushing them to stay safe. When I die, I hope they someone can take my spot and protect them, or by then, Manticore is gone and they are safe.  
  
* * *  
  
Well? Should I continue with all the other X5s and move along this same path, or are changes needed? Review please! 


	2. Max

My Family  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
G  
  
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.  
  
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond.  
  
Author's Note: Oh I forgot to mention, the first installment was Zack's POV, in case some of you didn't guess. This one is Max's POV.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
As I look out at the city lying at my feet, I imagine beside me the rest of my family sits. Each of them, silent in their own thoughts of the past, the present, and the future. But that's not going to happen. It's a risk for us all to be together, Zack's right about that. You see, my family and I aren't normal people, we're far from normal. We were genetically engineered in a lab and then planted into surrogate mothers. We were raised in Manticore, and we would still be there if Zack hadn't gotten us out.  
  
Manticore. Those are memories I don't want to remember. They weren't good ones. They weren't happy. Even now I can still hear the sound of the doors shutting, locking us in our dorms for the night. I can hear the nomalies screaming and shaking their metal doors; doors that won't ever be opened again. There's a mixture of voices in my head; Colonel Lydecker's is the one I remember the best. He is yelling at us, ordering us, but I can't distinguish what he's saying. It's all blurred together, just ringing in my head, driving me slowly crazy.  
  
I'm thankful that Manticore isn't my home anymore. My home isn't a ten by ten square with cold cement walls and an equally cold bed. I have Zack to thank for that. He got us out of Manticore safely and gave us a chance to build a real home in the real world. I don't mind what the US has become, it's all cool, easier for a girl like me to disappear. Besides, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be living in Seattle; have an awesome roommate, Original Cindy; the chance to spend my nights hangin' out at Crash; even be working at my crap ass job ordered around by Normal; but the best of all, I couldn't have met Logan. Thank you Zack, for helping me fill the empty space in my heart.  
  
What I have right now is the closest thing to a real life I'll ever had. I didn't have a childhood, and right now I'm making up for it in an adult way. I don't have a real boyfriend who can take me out to the movies or endure question and answer time with the parents, but I have a boyfriend. And he has to endure through Zack. It's kinda sweet seeing the two of them together. Zack wants the best for me and he doesn't think Logan's good enough. He's always watching Logan, staring at him with those baby blue eyes of his, just waiting for him to trip up so he can take me away. And Logan, he tries so hard not to make mistakes, he's always nervous when Zack's around. Logan knows that Zack could snap him into two. I think it's so cute the way they put up with each other. Zack knows I like Logan, no… more than like, love him, and he's willing to give Logan a chance with me. And Logan knows how protective Zack is, and he just wants to prove to Zack that he can watch out for me. Be there for me when I need him. I'm lucky to have two people in my life who love me so much.  
  
Zack tries so hard to distance his heart from each of us, but his eyes give it all away. I saw it each time he looks at me, I saw it when he gazed sadly at Brin, and I saw it when he looked at Tinga before she was taken. He loves each of us with all his heart, but he feels like he can't show it. He tries so hard to be the hard, cold, indifferent CO instilled in him at Manticore, but another part of him tries hard to be close with us. Each time I see him, I want to say, "it's all right Zack." I want to tell him that we love him as much as he loves us, and we won't think any less of him if he starts to show some emotion. In fact, I personally think it'll help us grow closer, as well as be good for him. How much can it compromise us if he gave us a smile or even a hug those few chances we get to see him? Or a pat on the back for once? For everything I do, my mind always wanders to what Zack would do if he were in the same situation. It's just a habit I've gotten myself into; Zack is my role model, and the big brother I look up to for approval.  
  
When I first saw Brin, lying there helpless on the bench, my mind went back to our days at Manticore. I don't know why, but I guess it's because out of the twelve of us, she seemed the least wanting to get away. She had always been a good little soldier and followed all the orders to the exact letter. When we practiced missions, she was always the one to go against decisions Zack made about modifying how we were going to execute and complete our mission. She never verbally or physically protested, but I could just tell. We all could. Unlike the rest of us, Brin never knew what to do unless someone told her. She didn't have the creative thinking programmed into her like the rest of us. I know some of the others think she might have been a defected prototype, but I still love her. She'll always be my sister, Manticore soldier or not.  
  
Krit and Syl… what can I say about those two? They always stuck together in Manticore, partnered up for drills, simu-missions, anything. When I drove into that warehouse again and saw their faces, I wasn't surprised they had arrived together, and I wasn't surprised that they traveled together. They're the opposite of me, always on the move while I enjoy staying put where I currently have set up camp. I don't hate them for leaving town when they're in a jam; after all, they're still young. When they're older, maybe they'll have some compassion for the lives they touch and the people who care about them. Maybe. I still have my hopes up.  
  
My best friend when I was young… Jondy. I miss her. I miss how we stayed up nights talking and staring out the window at the night sky. She's like me, we don't need as much sleep as the others do. The night was my time, she was the only other person who understood that. From what Zack's told me, she's a full-blown rebel, but then she always did push the rules at Manticore. I use to wonder how she could loved taunting the guards and the doctors the way she did. But oh well, that was Jondy.  
  
Whenever I think that I finally have a real life, my mind goes to Tinga. Out of all of us, she had the real life. I mean, she had a child. She took a chance and brought another being into the messed up world we live in. In a way, I'm not surprised. In Manticore, she was like our acting mother. There for us when we were hurt or needed a shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to. She nurtured us the best she could, even though she wasn't much older. Zack and her had roles in our "family." Zack was like our father, our big brother, and the person who would protect us from the bad. And Tinga… she had the role of mother. She was the person who made sure we had our vitamins, didn't go to bed hungry, and sat with us through the night if we weren't feeling well. In my mind, it seemed perfect that Tinga was the only one to have a family. The rest of us wouldn't have been ready for that kind of responsibility, yet.  
  
Out of everyone I've heard about or met, Zane is the one I look forward to spending time with the most. Zack says he's always in some form of trouble. Whether it's with the gangs he seems to enjoy hanging out with, or with the local law enforcement. Zack also said that Zane would be the first one caught by Manticore. He was wrong about that. But Krit says Zane is just living like any teenager would without a guardian to watch over him twenty four seven. Whatever his real deal is, I'm hoping once we manage to blow off Manticore for good, I can meet him. I've already heard so much about him from Zack that I feel like I know my little brother inside and out. Zack's always storming in on me and complaining about Zane drinking too much, the many 'girls' he picks up, taming the wild side of himself, taking life a bit more seriously, or even when Zane is trying to be like Zack. Zack expects so much out of us, and I know there's no way we can ever live up to his expectations.  
  
I had to kill Ben. That's the one memory that keeps returning to haunt me. The one memory that I can't seem to lock away into the deepest chasms of my mind. Whenever I try to remember him, all I can see is him lying there on the forest ground, pleading for his life with his eyes. He was so scared. There was something really wrong with him, he was really sick. But I couldn't help him, in the end, the only thing I could do was kill him. I can't seem to remember our days at Manticore, when he was healthy and still telling us stories or making shadow puppets to entertain us. Zack returned to Seattle after hearing that news reports of a killer and his mark. He knew it was Ben, but he was too late. I couldn't wait any longer. I tried to carry him out of the forest, but Ben wouldn't have it. He wanted to go back to Manticore, and I hated him for it. Worst of all, he wanted all of us to go back to Manticore, and I almost stopped loving him. I almost forgot that he use to be a loving brother. One of the only brothers I had ever felt close to.  
  
So you see…? My family isn't your run of the mill family. We shouldn't even be around, even exist in your world, but we do. There's no one out there who can understand my feelings except for my family. I'm lonely at times, but I can't let it show. I can't let Lydecker know that my family is my weakness, because in each of us, our weakness is our family. As I sit on this Space Needle, high above anyone and everyone, I'm alone. Without my family beside me, I grow colder as the days pass. Maybe it's some kind of biological clock ticking away, telling me that my time in this world is almost up. I was forced into existence, brought here by a bunch of norms looking to play God, but they're not God. Instead of creating something magnificent, what if they created a hideous monster?  
  
* * *  
  
I was listening to "Smoke" by Natalie Imbruglia when I wrote Ben's little paragraph. I think that's why that paragraph and the end is so depressing. Oh well, it kinda fits and brings this 'chapter' to a nice close. 


	3. Krit and Syl

My Family  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
G  
  
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.  
  
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond.  
  
Author's Note: This is Krit and Syl's POV. I stuck the two of them together since everyone, including me, sticks these two together. I figure I can go deeper into their relationship this way.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
We're racing through the streets of this new city together. Side by side, brother and sister. But is that what we are? No, we're not. We've learned long ago that we aren't siblings, the only thing that draws us together is the fact that we're both X5s and we both spent part of our childhood growing up in Manticore. That's it. So what is our relationship? To tell you the truth, we aren't that sure.  
  
It's been more than ten years since Zack broke us out of Manticore. More than ten years of living with norms and learning their way of life, and yet we still don't know what a relationship is. We still don't know everything there is to know about life. One of the great questions out there, what truly is a relationship? Some people say a relationship is how you feel about another person. So what do we feel? We're not sure. That's the entire problem. We know we love each other, and yet we don't. It doesn't make sense you say? Well let's try to explain it to you. We love each other affectionately and would give our lives for one another, but we don't know what kind of love it is. No one but our family has ever loved us before. So this is the only type of love we know. Sure there are those who lust after us, but it's only for our physical appearance. No one who is truly in love with us and who we have learned to be in love with. No one but each other. Does this explain it? Does this explain the relationship between us?  
  
I know what you're thinking. What if Syl goes into heat? What if I'm not able to resist her and give in? Wouldn't that throw our relationship for a loop? I guess. But we've been able to deal. We were made to be soldiers, don't think we can be broken in easily, because we can't. But once in a while when the urge just becomes too strong, we break and give in. And then what happens, you ask? Well, we forget. Neither of us would be traumatized or anything like that, after all, it happened because of our genetics, whether we were willing or not. It's just a part of us that Manticore coded into our genes.  
  
As for Manticore, we prefer not to think of and be reminded of it. And for us, staying in one place and following the same routine daily is Manticore. We wanted to be free, and now we are. We should be able to do whatever we want, get up whenever we want, work whenever we want, and work wherever we want. We shouldn't be dictated by a schedule, a boss or an older brother, or even responsibilities. We shouldn't have to worry, we're transgenics, super human. Besides, Zack worries enough for the both of us.  
  
We travel, we go wild, and we have fun. We don't care if Zack calls us a security breach. That's just Zack. He acts like we're his job, his responsibility in life, and maybe we are. But he doesn't have to be so impersonal with us. It's not like it's a big secret or anything that he likes Max, and as more than a sister too. But then, we know that he cares for all of us more than he probably thinks he should. After all, why would he go to the trouble of visiting each of us and making sure we have money? And how we know this? Well, who else would break into whatever place we're currently crashing at, not steal anything worth anything, but leave an envelope with a bunch of bills in it? Unless it's a new trend among burglars that we're unaware of. In which case maybe we need to pick up on it also. To stay with the "in" crowd.  
  
We both love our brother dearly. Zack has always been there for us. He has been the one to bail us out of a jam, reprimand us, and just watch out for us. How can we not be grateful? He's been there when our parents should, but can't. Been there to be proud of us in moments when we actually do something right, which isn't very often, considering we're always breaking the rules and Zack's only seeing us for a few days in a span of three or four months. Or when he gets a call informing him that we've been compromised or gotten ourselves locked up.  
  
Max, what can we say about her? She's even more dangerous and resistant than us. Or just plain crazy. After all, she chooses to continue on living on in her broken city, even after she's been compromised. She chooses to play this cat and mouse game with Lydecker. Seeing how close she can let him get, but still end up getting away. We admire her for that courage, for standing up to Lydecker and Manticore and saying "To hell with you guys, I'm not letting you push me around and dictate my life." If we hadn't been caught that one time, and seen what Manticore was capable of doing to us, maybe we might also be standing up for ourselves. But what we've seen was horrible, and we don't want to go through it again. Max can call us chicken, but she's been lucky. Lucky that she has Zack who would gladly give his life and freedom for her.  
  
We're a twosome, but we could have been a threesome. If Zane wasn't the good little soldier and always following Zack's orders, he could be with us, traveling as a free spirit. But sadly Zane looks up to Zack too much, the only thing that keeps him from being the full-fledged rebel he should be. Plus he's got that dog, the mutt he's so devoted to. Been reprimanded by Zack one too many times about having a pet, and yet he still chooses to keep the dog. The only act he's ever done which went against what Zack ordered. A start, but he's still got a long ways to go. We'd love to have him with us. He's a mechanic, and we need a mechanic in our group. What if we're traveling out in the middle of nowhere and one of our bikes breaks down? Neither of us are mechanics. In fact, if we tried to fix something, there's a good 100 percent chance of it getting blown up, tossed against a tree, or ripped to shreds.  
  
Almost all three trimesters had passed until Zack told us the good news about Tinga. She was pregnant. Pregnant! Pregnant as in with child, knocked up, about to bring another life into this world. It didn't really come as a surprised, but it was a little disheartening to hear that the love of her life was a norm. Oh well, he loved her and that's the important thing. We wanted to stop and visit her, but Zack refused to give us her address or even what area of the country she was living in. But maybe that's a good thing. We would have brought too much excitement into her life. She probably couldn't handle it, being pregnant and all. But we've got a nephew! Maybe when the kid grows up a bit and Zack loosens up, we can pay Tinga and her kid a little visit. Being the type of person she is, she would probably raise her kid to be a wimp. We could teach him how to beat up the bullies at school, take him for a few spins on our bikes, and show him the wild side of life. But that's probably the reason Zack won't let us visit.  
  
About a year ago we bumped into Jondy. That was purely an accident, unlike how we met. Our "visit" started with a bang and ended with a bang. Needless to say Jondy was not very happy with us, and she probably still isn't. Here's what happened. We're cruisin' through the streets of St. Louis and stop at a bar, we're thirsty so we wanted something to drink. But anyways, the chick serving us had Krit's eyes bulging. From her neon bright pink hair all the way down to the three-inch heels. So Krit tries to hit up on the chick for her number, and finds himself kissing the floor. He's losing his cool, so being the mild mannered lady I am, I step in and try to give ol' Krit a hand. Pretty soon this turns into a bar fight and I'm quick to realize that the girl we're fighting ain't no norm. Krit, being the lug head he is, doesn't figure it out and ends up getting his butt kicked. Once we figure out it's Jondy, we stay a few days to hang out. But we weren't very welcome so a couple days later we broke into Jondy's apartment after she left for work and trashed the place. Had fun, although won't be trying to seek our Jondy anymore.  
  
Ben was the odd one out among us. Zack alerted us to his "problem," so we steered clear of him. When we heard of his death, we were both sad and happy at the same time. Sad that he had to leave us, and in the manner he did, forcing Max to kill him. But we're happy that he's gone on to the Good Place, and to be healed. His problems aren't his fault, they're Manticore's. If Ben had been raised like a norm, in a healthy environment and with a family who loved him, maybe he would have turned out different. Maybe.  
  
We don't have much to say about Brin, only that our opinion of her has dropped. Zack told us what happened, told everyone. We feel sorry for her, but she should have fought harder. She shouldn't have chosen to go back to Manticore. After all, didn't we all agree that death was better than going back? True, we didn't get to meet her or get to know her as well as Zack did, but wasn't she one of us? Wasn't she one of the '09 escapees?  
  
Our X5 bond makes us closer than we could be with anyone else. Even other X5s who weren't in our squadron. We started our a family, a family of brothers and sisters who were locked up in a horrible place called Manticore. And now, years down the road, we still are family, only this time, we're a family with the freedom to go wherever we want to go, do whatever we want to do, and believe whatever we want to believe. 


	4. Ben

My Family  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
PG  
  
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.  
  
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond. Rating upped because of Ben's POV.  
  
Author's Note: This is Ben's POV. Of course it's set before Ben died. This POV is a fairly disturbing one. Especially the memories. I don't recommend it for people with a weak stomach. It took me a while to write since I wanted to make sure it portrayed an accurate description of Ben as far as we know. That and the fact that I've been occupied with other fanfics and activities this summer.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
I'm running through the woods savoring the feeling of the hunt. Once in a while I stop, concentrating my hearing so that the sound of a male, early 40's, heart pounding from the physical activity he's forcing upon his body, meets my ears. If I strain hard enough, I can hear the sweat dripping from his forehead and falling to the forest floor. I don't know if it's from the activity or because he's scared, but I don't care. All I feel is the hunt as I sniff the air, savoring the smell of fear that reaches my nostrils. I leap over a bunch of bushes, landing in front of my victim, our victim, just as most of my brothers and sisters get there and begin to close in. We take him down; a murderer, who was placed in prison for life, is taken down by a bunch of kids. Then the carnage begins.  
  
* * *  
  
He was a Nomalie, he deserved to die! I tell, no, yell at myself for the hundredth time as that memory passes once more through my eyes. I'm sitting in a seedy bar in Chicago being observant. There's a glass half- full or half-empty, depending on how you look at it, of whisky in my hand. I'm eyeing the various other customers in the bar, surveying, measuring, while absently fending off the advances of several of the "working" women. This normally isn't my type of establishment; I've never found the one in a place like this. I thought that coming to a place like this would stop me, stop me from finding worthy adversaries. But apparently not.  
  
One guy piques my interests. He is a large, well-built man standing with a bunch of his buddies. I can tell from the way he stands that he is confident, perhaps overly confident of himself. He feels that he can take on anything or anyone that might threaten him. Yes, he is my man.  
  
I drain the last of my whisky and leave in order to prepare. He is one pathetic specimen in a superior gene pool, he deserves to die. I tell myself again, perhaps to give meaning to my work or a reason.  
  
* * *  
  
We were savages, losing all humanity the minute he went down. Someone went for the left hand, beginning the delicate process of ripping each and every fingernail off the frightened, dying man's hand. Others went for the skin, tearing off bits and pieces, leaving his body in a bloody patchwork of tanned skin and bloody pink flesh. Max began to grind the man's bones into powder, to ready the body so we could mold it into whatever pose we wanted it to take. Beside me, Zack dug his fingers into the man's eyes, scooping out the slimy white balls, stopping him from seeing the mutilation we were doing to his body, and putting an end to the silent begs and cries being emitted from those dark soulful eyes. And I. I forced my hand into the man's mouth, plucking out the teeth one by one. Soon, by the law of diffusion, steady streams of blood began to flow from the various openings, streams that became rivers. In these rivers, we bathed, allowing the scent of victory, power, fear, and most of all, ecstasy seep into our bodies, into our minds, into our souls.  
  
* * *  
  
I dropped the double-edged sword I was holding with a clank into the pile of weapons I had pulled from storage. Polishing all but forgotten. I dragged myself over to the couch, dropping down in it to bask in the heady feeling still swirling through my mind from the memory. It seemed with each kill, each anticipation of a kill, the memory returned, stronger than before and with a stronger hypnotic pull. If I squeezed my eyes shut tightly enough, I could remember the feel of flesh beneath my hand, and the feel of life. They'd pulled the man's heart from his body, not caring to be delicate with the process. Only caring for the feel of the dying life beating in their hands, frantic from fear and hysteria, but still alive. They'd each held it, whether for a second or for longer than a second, each of them impressed upon their minds the image and feel of that beating heart. I remembered the feeling in my own hand. The swelling of the heart and then the shrink in size. The feel and the sound of the heart growing weaker, losing strength with each beat as it struggled to pump nothing but air tainted with the smell of blood and the pheromones of a kill, done by a family, one family, my family.  
  
Even now I wonder where everyone is, if they're well, if they're still alive. Of course I discard the latter thought. Of course they were still alive. Who was I kidding? We are X5s, genetically engineered super soldiers. The people hunting us were norms, pathetic ones who attempted to control us, but failed. I sneered at the thought of them catching one of us. Even poor, little, spineless Brin.  
  
I remembered her well. I remembered all of my brothers and sister. None of them were the type you forgot about. A few I disliked, a few I hated, and the very few I loved. Brin was none of them. I admit I never knew what to think about her. She was one of us, which I don't doubt. She was an X5 physically, but I wasn't sure she was one mentally. She was weaker than the rest of us, always needing someone to hold her hand. Always needing praise or a compliment. Real X5s didn't need any of that. We always know what to do in any type of situation. We didn't need someone to tell us whether violence was preferred or not in a certain situation. We didn't need someone to approve any plans or decision. We didn't need attention. Our missions was our life, and we are suppose to carry out that mission, regardless of the consequences, regardless of how long it took, regardless.  
  
Krit, Syl, and Jondy. The few I hated. I loved them, but I hated them. Three of the most annoying brats in the world, but excellent soldiers. No team can do without a weapons or bomb expert. No team can do without scouts. And they were excellent for the jobs. Far too good with firearms, and far too good at blowing stuff up. They were too quiet also. Good for being scouts, bad for older brothers.  
  
The few I disliked, Zane and Tinga and Zack. Zane, always following Zack around, like a second shadow, worshiping the very ground our CO walked upon. Zane, the blind awe-strucked little puppy who could see nothing but good from our saintly CO. Even when his mess-ups were so obvious, even when his flaws stood out so brightly. The only thing Zane was useful for was his mechanic skill. So many times we've had to make use of that skill on our pseudo-missions, and probably more so if we had stayed long enough to go on real missions. Tinga, the overprotective mother hen. Always acting like she knew better, always acting like she knew things even we didn't know. But I knew better. And then there was Zack. Zack our Commanding Officer, our CO, and all because he was eldest. I think he was the worst CO in Manticore. He may have been loved, been worshiped, but I saw him for who he truly was. A regular soldier like everyone else but who somehow had managed to manipulate Colonel Lydecker into thinking he was the best. I'll bet Lydecker thinks the opposite now.  
  
And the one I loved, Max, who else? She was so sweet, so innocent. Always sympathetic to the feelings of others. She loved my stories and was always asking for more, I could never deny her those small requests. She had a good head and didn't liked to be ordered around. She could have grown up to be a good soldier, a good second in command, maybe even a CO. But I bet all this time Outside has changed her. I miss her, and hate the one that took her away even more.  
  
* * *  
  
We moved away from the body, standing in a straight line with our heads raised high, in silent victory as Lydecker approached. I see a slight glimmer of fear in his eyes as they fall upon the road kill our victim has now become. He now knows what we are capable of, and what we can do to a man. I know as he inspects the dead man that he can tell the man died in agony, agony and fright. With death finally becoming a relief, something welcomed and to be held precious in your heart. Or rather the empty place where your heart use to be. There's a flashbulb and I realize someone is taking pictures. Good, let them take pictures. I know that each and every one of us is standing in a straight line, tall and proud of what we have done. I know also that each of us has a murderous look in our eyes, because all this kill has done is stimulate our senses for more. It has not appeased our murderous appetite just as a drug addict is not appeased with a dose of heroin or cocaine. Lydecker nods at us and we walk off, back towards the gray building to wash up for bed. There is so much blood on us that I don't think anyone notices that the red stains are extremely apparent at our pockets, which are bulging with new sacrifices for the Blue Lady. New and fresh. We are what we are, and that is killers.  
  
* * *  
  
With that last thought in my mind, I shove the memories into the back of my mind, heading out the door. It is time to collect my latest chosen one, and put him to the test. I may have promised myself after the last one that I'd stop, but I realize now that I can't defy the calling of nature. I was created to be a soldier, to kill, so I might as well finish my life mission. If I have not been sent to the battlefield, I may as well bring the battlefield here. There are many who may claim to be true worshipers of the Blue Lady, and if they are, they will survive, if they aren't, they will die and have their life cleansed from the name of the Blue Lady.  
  
* * *  
  
Well? What does everyone think of this installment? I know it's a lot darker and slightly more disturbing that what I usually have, so that's why the rating's been raised. But it's Ben and I felt the need to explain why he does what he does. But I admit my descriptions, especially the second memory, might have been a bit much. So I apologize, but let me know what you think and if you think I should rewrite parts of it or not. 


	5. Brin

My Family  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
PG  
  
Timeline: Anytime during the X5s' existence.  
  
Summary: How each X5 sees their family and their special bond. Rating upped because of Ben's POV.  
  
Author's Note: This is Brin's POV. It's after Manticore caught her, but I'm trying to make it so that this is the real Brin on the inside fighting for control of herself.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
I didn't remember. I didn't really remember how I came to be back in here. How I ended up returning to Manticore. What had happened? How had it happened? I would rather KILL myself than return here! After all I have sacrificed. After all my brothers and sisters sacrificed. Or at least, that's what I use to believe. before I remembered.  
  
Before I ended up back here. Back behind a stone and iron fence. Back behind a stone wall looking out on a free world. A world that I was a part of, before I became weak.  
  
I use to be strong. I wanted to prove myself to Zack that if anything happens to him, I could take over. I could be CO. But I know now, I can't. I broke. With my sister holding me, telling me everything would be alright, I broke.  
  
"I don't want to die. Please . . . don't let me die."  
  
I'm not strong. I never was. It was all a figment of my imagination. Like what I am now. This conscience buried deep in what use to be my mind. I am here, and yet, I'm not. I see and hear and feel everything that is going on. I know all that happens out there, in the real world, where my brothers and sisters are. But I can do nothing to help them, to warn them, to save them. My mind no longer exists. I think, but do not act.  
  
THEY do the acting. The doctors and scientists at Manticore. They tell me who to listen to, who to obey. And I follow their orders. More specifically, I follow HER orders. The woman who is going to kill my family. And there is nothing I can do.  
  
* * *  
  
In Christianity, the Devil is always portrayed as this deformed, red, fiery Nomalie who live sin this placed called Hell, a place deep in the Earth. And he scatters his seed of dissent and evil through his various minions. Lesser Nomalies who do his bidding, corrupting people and creating havoc in the world, while remaining unseen.  
  
Renfro. She's one of his minions. Maybe she's even the Devil herself. After all, who says the Devil is a man?  
  
Each time her face appears before my eyes, I want to leap at her. I want to leap on her, shoving her body into the ground. I want to watch horror in her eyes as I ground her bones into a fine powder that can be sowed into the land and put towards some good. I want to rip out her tongue, so that she can no longer speak, and give the order of death. I want to gouge out her eyes, so that the last thing she sees is an X5, especially one that she trusts to do her bidding, one that she considers her own. I want her to know the taste of fear, the taste of helplessness, and the taste of repressed emotions. All of which I go through on a day by day basis. I want her to know of the vicious killing machine that she has shaped through her actions.  
  
Is that too much to ask?  
  
Where Lydecker can be considered my father, Renfro can be called my mother. That is what makes me different from my brothers and sisters. Lydecker was the bad parent, he wanted us to go back to that place of fear. That place he called home. And my new mother, she is evil. She not only wants me to fear, she wants me to be evil, like she, herself is. She wants me to help her hunt down my brothers and sisters, and return them to the family. At least Lydecker left me alone, he didn't force me to go after the rest of my family.  
  
That is why I need to die. I contain the evil seed of my mother. Something that none of my brothers and sisters have, because they have never met mother.  
  
* * *  
  
As I reside in this dark place, all alone, I cannot help but think about what happens outside. I remember the look on his face that last time. Is Zack still terribly disappointed in me? I heard that he was captured, to save Max. But then he escaped, and called for Max's help. Zack. calling for help? Maybe he's changed. I hope he's changed. Because then that would mean he's forgiven me. Or is ready to forgive me. I just want. I just want him to take me back, to accept me as a sister again. That's all that matters, is for him to want me back in the family. Because if Zack accepts me, everyone else will. That's just how it works. Zack is the oldest, he's always taken care of us, and we all look up to him. He's the wisest, so he takes care of us, keeps us safe, and for that, we listen to him.  
  
And Max. Maxie. I know it hurt her greatly to let me go. To convince Zack to let me go. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have said no, could have chosen death over coming back here and causing everyone pain. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry about me, that I'm not afraid to die. But I was. And I'm sorry I put my sister in such a horrible position.  
  
For everyone else, do they even know that I'm back at Manticore? Did Zack tell them all that their little sister broke? I want him to, I hope he did. And yet I don't want him to. I don't want them looking at me with hatred. Looking at me and wishing I had been destroyed. That way, they could remember their little sister with good memories. But I want Zack to tell them. I want him to warn them that I'm now Manticore's puppet. That way they know not to look at me with love when I show up at their doorsteps. That way they know to run, or stand their ground and fight me. A part of me wants them to run, and a part of me wants them to be the soldier they are. I want them to run, because I don't want to hurt them. But I want them to stay, and fight me. Because they're stronger than me, they're all stronger than me. I know that now, they're all stronger than me, in that they want to live. They don't want to go back. So I wish, they will stand up to me, and perhaps kill me. To set me free. Truly free. More free than anyone alive could be. And yet, I'm scared.  
  
* * *  
  
I'm afraid now. Renfro put me in charge of an X7 squad. I can't control them. They mind totally and utterly belongs to Manticore. When. and I mean when, I take them out, what am I suppose to do if they find and catch one of my family members? I can't even stop myself from doing anything I'm going to regret. At least my brothers and sisters are fellow X5s, and therefore harder for me to catch. But these kids, I couldn't hide from them in training. How are my brothers and sisters going to hide? I don't want to be around when I end up catching one of them. What will I see when I look into their eyes? I'm so scared. I don't want to see their hatred. I don't want to see their fear. I don't want to see anything.  
  
But I can't forget. I've been sent out on five missions already, five missions to catch one of my brothers or one of my sisters. Thankfully I failed all but one. Thankfully someone warned them before my arrival. Except for twice. I caught her. I caught Syl. But she was saved. Krit was there, and he saved her. So I'm happy, I'm happy inside. But I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the look of betrayal in their eyes, in Syl's eyes when she realized who her captor was.  
  
And then, I caught Tinga. I trapped Tinga by using her son. Can you believe it, Tinga has a son. I have a nephew. But did they care? Did the thing in charge of me care? No. And so I caught Tinga. I brought Tinga to Renfro. And now Tinga's dead. It's all my fault. I want to forget what I have done. But I can't forget. Because it would be a crime to forget, to forget what I did. The torture. I hurt her. I hurt my sister. No punishment anyone can give me is enough. So I remember, I replay it all in my head every night when I'm alone. I'm hoping this thing in control of me remembers also. I hope it suffers even a fraction of what I suffer.  
  
Did I mention I was afraid? A lot of things have happened. I know something big is going to happen. All the transgenics are restless, because we feel something in the air. I heard Lydecker disappeared. Maybe that's a good thing. It has to be a good thing. And somehow, I know he will be connected with whatever is going to happen here, at Manticore. And I pray that day comes soon. Before I'm sent out into the world again. Before I actually succeed at what I'm sent out to do.  
  
* * *  
  
Today is the day. We have been attacked. Renfro sent me out with a security team to catch Max and Zack. We saw them in the genetics lab. They are going to blow it up. I hope they succeed. I hope I'm too slow, and I'm not able to stop them. I hope they blow up this entire place, and I hope we, the transgenics who are under Renfro's control, go up with it.  
  
* * *  
  
I've done it. I've succeeded in keeping myself from beating Maxie. My body was slow, I hope I was the cause of that. I wasn't as fast as Maxie, and she beat me. She's cuffed me to one of the cells. And I know I'm going to die. Finally.  
  
I know my body's staring at her with hatred. I know my body wants to break these cuffs, and jump at Maxie and tear her apart. But my body isn't going to get that pleasure.  
  
She's looking at me sadly. And I know what she's remembering. Her last words to me, while I was still Brin. I'm so far buried in this mind that I know I'll never emerge. I want to tell Maxie, that it's better if I die. That I'm not afraid this time. She needs to go, and finish what was started. Destroy everything of Manticore's. So that it cannot be started once again. I'm trying to communicate to her. Tell her to stop feeling sorry for me, but to go and finish her mission.  
  
She finally leaves, after saying she's sorry. I hope she gets away. Because I know that Renfro has just released the X7's. An X5 is no match for an X7. I can hear the bombs ticking. It'll be soon before they blow. No more than 20 seconds. And no one is close enough or fast enough to get there and deactivate them before they go off.  
  
I wish I can talk to Max one last time. Talk to her as Brin. Not as this empty shell that I am. I want to tell her thank you, and that I love her. Because she loves me, and through her I know no one has forgotten about me. That no one hates me. I'm glad I did what I did. And that is let her beat me. I've fought myself for so long and hard, and for so long it seemed like I was losing. That Manticore was beginning to over power me. Stop me from thinking period. Keep me from having a conscience, from having second thoughts. Even if I couldn't do anything to stop my body. I didn't want to become a machine, and it looked as if I was going to. But these last two minutes, I had some control. I wish. I had longer to slowly work off the control they had. So that I could return to my family. But I don't have that time. My time is finally up, and I am not afraid.  
  
* * *  
  
"Brin, you're going to be all right. And someday, no matter what happens, I'm going to come for you. That's a promise." --- Max, "Cold Comfort" 


End file.
